Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Joyce DiPastena Chronicles 2009

I don't know why anyone outside my family would be remotely interested in reading my annual Christmas letter, but what the heck. I present to you "The Joyce DiPastena Chronicles for 2009", written as a very bad homage to the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. Read on only if you dare! (Or don't have anything better to do.)


January
I becameth intrigued with the TV show, Dollhouse, which, because I didst like it, the network didst decide to cancel by the end of the year.

February
16th: I enjoyeth the highlight of my year, also known as the Arizona Renaissance Festival.

March
15th: My bishop didst call me to be Relief Society president. I didst sob in his office. Saith yea, cameth home, and sobbeth some more.

April
1st: I most cunningly joineth LDS Storymakers, so that I canst get into their writers conference CHEAP!
21st: Flewest to Salt Lake City, but not before much trauma inflicted upon me by my car! I wilt spare thee the details. Sufficeth to say it was verily a nightmare I was happy to escape in the city of salt and lakes.
22nd-23rd: Playeth with my sister Janet in various and sundry ways
24th-25th: Attendedth the LDS Storymakers Writers Conference with my boon companion, Sara. I didst participate in a panel on self-publishing, even though I am no longer a self-published author. Still, they didst pay me $25 for being on the panel!
26th: A bitterly cold and rainy day. Janet didst drag me to church, walking up the hill in my wee sandals. My wet, chilled feet and I becameth very grumpy. Janet wast also grumpy, because I left her favorite sweater at the LDS Storymakers conference. Thankfully, the hotel didst find her sweater and the car was nicely heated as we droveth back to Provo to retrieve it, so both of us were in merry moods when we returneth to her apartment.
28th: I luncheth with my editor and signeth a contract for my new medieval romance, Illuminations of the Heart.

May
2nd: Returneth home to Kearny, where I discovereth water running down my driveway from a broken pipe in the yard beside my house.
3rd: Bishop Colby and Brother Guerrero came down most mercifully after Church and repaireth my pipe. I callest down eternal blessings upon their heads!
4th:  When I didst walk outside to retrieve my morning paper, I didst discovered the door to my softener room hadst broken clean off its hinges. No wind last night. The destruction remaineth a mystery. A/C is also broken, just as the Arizona temperatures beginneth to skyrocket. No one canst repair the A/C until Thursday.
7th: My day of birth. A/C repairman comest about 3:30 PM, by which time I have sweltered long enough to feel like a suckling pig being roasted on a spit. The repairman didst achieve a temporary fix, but saith I need to replace the whole unit. Very thankful to be cool at bedtime!
8th: Didst take myself to Mesa to belatedly celebrate my day of birth. Didst see the movie, Star Trek with my merry hearted companion, Suzanne.
15th: New A/C installed. $5000!!!
18th: Goodly Bishop Colby didst repair the door to my softener room, as well as the broken beam over my driveway. May the Lord bless him forever and ever!
29th: Janet fleweth home for her day of birth. Stayeth 10 days. We didst see four movies whilst she was here. (A record for an Arizona visit!) As of December 2009, Star Trek and Up remaineth the best movies of the year!

June
8th: Didst discover another broken pipe on the side of the house.
9th: The plumber comest from Globe and fixeth the pipe.
10th – 12th: A most exciting time! Didst proof Illuminations of the Heart to prepare it for going to press!
16th: Illuminations of the Heart, my second medieval romance, wenteth to press today!


July
16th-18th: ANWA Writers Retreat in Pine, Arizona. I didst renew many friendships, gavest a workshop on marketing thy book, and kickstarteth my stalled work-in-progress. So peaceful an atmosphere! Loveth my new laptop computer. Loveth the peace and quiet. Even began to loveth my WIP again. Alas, all ended too soon. ’Twas most sorry to come home again.
21st: Verily, my dread of returning home proved most valid. Upon this day I didst walk into a back room of my house to discover a huge chunk had fallen out of the wall due to water damage from a leaky A/C wall unit.
22nd: A very frightening day. A tire on my car didst blow out on the journey home from Mesa. A kindly truck driver didst replace my tire, and I limpeth to Arnold Motors in Superior, where they didst say my other three tires were on the verge of blowing, too. Didst replace with used tires for temporary use.
30th: I didst preside over my first funeral luncheon as Relief Society President. Camest close to not having enough food for the family. (But didst make up for it at the next funeral by having a truly breathtaking overabundance!)

August
3rd: On this day, Goodly Bishop Colby camest over and fixeth the broken wall in my house. (And caulketh the leaky A/C wall unit!) Bless him, bless him, bless him!
14th: Made a pilgrimage to Mesa to see my book, Illuminations of the Heart, in a bookstore for the first time.

September
20th: Awoke to yet another broken pipe on the side of the house! (Broken pipes, broken beams, broken walls…verily, is my house trying to tell me something?)
21st: Plumber didst come again from Globe to fix my broken pipe. He suggesteth rerouting the piping under the eaves of my driveway and down the side of the house. I respondeth, “Go for it!”
23rd: A most momentous day! I didst trade in my 1996 Dodge Intrepid for a 2010 Toyota Camry. The dealer threw in satellite radio and Bluetooth for free! Loveth both of these new features!
29th: Woketh up to a backed up softener drain, backing up into the kitchen by bedtime. Can you spell D-I-S-C-O-U-R-A-G-E-D about this accursed house?
30th: Plumber foundeth water from broken pipe “bubbling up” through crack in cement in softener room. He didst reroute the pipe. Plumbing fixed…for now.

October/November
Oct 22nd - Nov 28th: Verily, for these six weeks my publisher didst indenture me to book signings at Costco! I didst rotate between four Arizona Costco stores, inscribing my signature into copies of my new medieval romance, Illuminations of the Heart, laboring four hours a day, three days a week, with naught but bread and water to sustain me. (And sometimes a Wendy’s hamburger, Taco Bell taco, and KFC chicken wing. And a Sprite.) Among my discoveries: those cement floors art hard; some days art better than others; and I canst get the Fox News Channel on my satellite radio. (Madest the drive over and back fly by. Well, almost. Sometimes.)

November
16th: Whatever thou doest, DON’T ask about my skylight! (Bless you, Bishop Colby!)
20th – 30th: Janet flewest home for Thanksgiving. Alas, there wast no time to fix Thanksgiving dinner due to my Costco servitude, so we didst spend Thanksgiving at the Broadway Palm Dinner Theatre, enjoying other people’s excellent cooking and watching the play, Meet Me In St. Louis.

December
Illuminations of the Heart is no longer in Costco, but they are now in Arizona Barnes & Nobles. I have had a short story, “An Epiphany Gift for Robin”, published in a collection of Christmas stories called, Stolen Christmas. Janet miraculously got the Christmas tree up (and decorated!) before she fleweth back to the city of salt and lakes. The plumbing hath been quiet since September. (I do muchly fear that is only temporary, though.) The bird my cat heard chirping on the chimney didst not fall down the chimney into my living room today. Therefore, I close this letter on a heartily cheerful note.

May all your plumbing in 2010 be peaceful. May your favorite TV shows be renewed. May your A/C’s run most smoothly. May your walls stand rightly solid. My your skylights… (Nay, nay, let’s not go there!)

Above all, may you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND THE VERIEST OF HAPPY NEW YEARS!





1 comment:

C. K. Bryant said...

You're a very busy girl. Love this post. I wish I did something like this for my family, but . . . it's just too much work.

I'll be quoting you on my blog today. Check it out later. HUGS